Chapter 19

The Angel that strayed into my life

When Baby went to her eternal rest in the Mount Hope cemetery at Yonkers in New York, I was completely worn out by the pain of losing in a moment all that I had achieved in my life. It was as if though all the precious treasures I had gained through my prayers of a succession of births had turned into ashes. All of my heaven and earth went under the earth with my life partner.

The house without Baby was like a silent and dark prison. I was left alone along the way like a migratory bird which went astray. Where should I go? Where can I live? How long should I go on like this all alone? I had no idea. I had in my mind only Baby's face and heard only her voice.

"I will go where destiny leads me. The day I reach there I will shake away all my sorrows." As she had jotted in her diary on February 22, 1974 she had reached the shores where there were no sorrows. Yes, Baby was always the playmate of sorrows. Right from her childhood she had acquired the wisdom that the happiness in the world was only momentary. That was why she had acquired a personality different from that of the others.

Baby was an angel who strayed into my life. Or else why did we meet each other on that journey? It was because she could not catch the flight from Bombay to Kerala that we could travel together in the same train. It might be fate or a confidence. The girl who had chosen the road to salvation at the age of 12 and dedicated her life to the service of poor had become my partner after undertaking a lot of challenges. Love only can defeat her. She had surrendered all her decisions only before the untainted love of a young man called Velayudhan. If that had not happened, the person called James V. Abraham would not have been born. The individual Velayudhan would have been extinct a long time ago.

Baby's future would have been entirely different if she had not met a person like me. She would have been an excellent full time social worker if she had remained a spinster. Or she would have married a high-ranking official in America and lived a happy life. Either way, she would not have to carry a bundle of worries like this. But she had never thought so. She could lead the life she was given and direct it to the goal she had aspired for. Those helping hands were extended to whoever needed it. Without asking who or why she had shown interest in helping others liberally. She had never complained of not earning or saving enough due to the domestic liabilities.

She took special care to follow Christian principles in life. Each of her deeds was synonymous with the Bible verses. She was not merely reading while spending hours with the Bible in hand, but delving deep into the word of God. I have realised that she had a special ability to converse with God.

Whether in happiness or sorrow she would be with God always. She never considered God as a crutch to get support, but she was seeing herself through God.

That was a Sunday. I was in hospital struggling with my illness. Baby who used to come early to hospital did not reach the hospital for a long time. I was quite uneasy about it. When she came I asked: "You know I am alone. Where were you?" Her reply came soon: "Today is Sunday. First God. Then only all others." My anger had vaporised immediately.

Baby was in-charge of the nursery school belonging to the church. She used to teach the children the psalms of David in a fascinating way.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the path of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; For you are with me.

Baby liked this portion of the Bible very much (Psalm 23). She used to sing these lines melodiously to the little children. She had written down in her diary this psalm, Nobody would tire of singing or hearing this any number of times. She was able to intimately associate her life with this psalm.

She has also defeated me with her humility. She never used to take food in the last days after the chemo-therapy. I would scold her for that. Because it was very difficult for her to get up, I would keep the telephone receiver, the medicines and the food close within her arms' reach when I go for duty. When I returned from duty one day everything was in its position untouched. That mean she had not moved from her bed. Naturally, I was very angry. "When you take such strong medicines how can your body go on without any food?" I asked in a loud voice.

"Can't you speak gently when I am in this situation?" When I heard this my head sank and I sat near her bed with a guilty conscience.

The patients have appreciated Baby for her sincerity in work several times. She took special care to make her work a service. I have heard so many speaking about her that there was nobody else in St Joseph's Hospital who was so dedicated and compassionate. Baby would leave the hospital only after completing her work even after the duty time. There were times when I had to wait for her outside the hospital impatiently in the car for hours together. The patients who have experienced her gentle touch can never forget it. Hundreds of letters are still with me from patients thanking her for sincere care. I think those letters have more value than a Padmasree, the government award for service to society.

Once, a patient expressed his thanks to Baby through an advertisement in the newspaper. The advertisement which appeared in the Herald Statesman newspaper is still with me.

At another time, Baby wrote a letter to the world renowned cardio-vascular surgeon Michael E. DeBakey for M. Alexander Thomas who was my classmate in the Salvation Army school. Alexander was suffering from some illness which was restricting the blood circulation in his leg. He tried several treatment without any success. When he came to know that this problem could be surgically corrected and that Dr Michael DeBakey would do it, she wrote to the surgeon.

She had written the letter on October 14, 1971. Dr DeBakey hailing from Lebanon was serving in the Methodist Hospital in Texas. One can imagine how busy this well-known surgeon who had planted the first artificial heart in a human body would be. For the same reason, nobody expected a reply from him. Still she made a try when there was a way in front to get healing for our friend.

It was truly a great surprise for us when the doctor replied. He agreed to perform the surgery if the patient came to the Texas hospital. He was willing to forgo his charges, only hospital charges are to be paid, he wrote. Because of some technical problems, Alexander could not come to America to undergo the surgery.

Baby has never shown any interest in saving money. She was not interested in ornaments. She agreed to wear a small ear-ring and a chain only after I compelled her. Afterwards, again on my compulsion, she kept gold ornaments of about 50 sovereigns. I came to know much later that it had given her much discomfort. When we went home in 2002, we called my nieces and divided the entire ornaments among them. What other proof is needed to show that Baby was a very special person?

There was no church at Kattupuram, Baby's home village. They had to travel five kilometres to Aduthala for worship and other religious ceremonies. Baby's father had donated 50 cents of land to construct a new church in the locality. The St Mary's Syrian Orthodox Church was built there.

Thus her father was fortunate to be laid to rest on in his own land. The church attained the present status with generous donations from the members of the Thottathil family including that of Baby.

I have nothing to give in return for Baby's unselfishness. My assets are the apartment which we had purchased in America and the house we had built with the name 'Evangel' on Mannanthala stadium road. The 3,000 square feet house has been donated to the Orthodox Church to keep as a monument Aleyamma Abraham Memorial after my death. The amount received from the sales of the apartment in America was also donated to the Karunya Guidance Centre under the Orthodox Church for another memorial for Baby.

I did it as I thought it would be ideal to have a memorial for Baby dedicated to the sick as she had devoted her entire life in the faithful service of the sick.The counselling centre for the sick near the Karunya Guidance Centre at Ulloor is in progress. Karunya has been providing free food and accommodation to the poor patients undergoing treatment at the Trivandrum Medical College, Regional Cancer Centre, Sri Chitra Hospital etc for the past 27 years. I would like to have a prayer hall in the name of Baby for whom prayer was a real communication with God. I leave everything to the will of God.

Baby was a voracious reader and writer. She had scribbled a number of stories, poems and songs in her diaries. She greatly admired Shakespeare and Shelly and has jotted down lines from them. Her best pastime was to delve deep into the meanings of these works when she was all alone. All her notes were creative and imaginative. The power of poetry and prosody was evident in those lines.

I could come across them only after Baby's death. I have great regret that such a great talent remained hidden all through her life unknown to the world. Her greatest assets were books. More than 500 books were left without the owner when she died. All had been purchased by her.

Baby's brother K.K. Johnson also possessed this spark of creativity. Johnson, who is working in the admitting department of the West Chester Medical Center in New York, has the nickname 'K.K.' He is better known by this among the Keralites in America. His hobbies were literature and social work. Keralites would approach him to prepare speeches and notices. He is indispensable to the Malayali organizations in America.

He would be there to give a helping hand to the patients arriving in the hospitals. I have seen all the good qualities of Baby in him also. When Baby was sick he used to bring food for us driving more than 10 miles. His wife Shirley would send delicious fish curry for a week. After Baby's death also both Johnson and Shirley used to care for me in everything.

When Shirley had some health problems, it was my decision that she should not be given any more trouble. That was one of the reasons why I had to return home putting an end to my connections in America.

Whatever I could give in exchange, I don't think that I can ever compensate for my indebtedness to Baby. Her love was like an inexhaustible spring of water.

It is true that I had subdued Baby by love. Like any other man I too had the eagerness to possess the woman who made a deep impression on me. As I was prepared to go to any extent for that, Baby had no other choice but to accept me. Thus two rivers that originated in two places merged together and flowed till the end. Now, the flow of one river has stopped. So the other river has become lean. Instead of gushing, it flows slowly.

Only the fresh memories of Baby keep me the company now. I have come to know the severity of darkness only when that lamp was put out. I can boldly say that except the misfortune that we did not have any children, my life with Baby was fully gratifying. As we could love others' children as our own, we had never felt that sense of loss. When I give monetary help to poor children for their studies, I have the inner happiness of doing a father's duty. I had instituted a scholarship in Baby's name in the Bible College at Trivandrum from 2009. Some students got assistance from it last year. I am also helping four or five students in my neighbourhood and trying my best to help the cancer-affected children at the Ulloor Karunya Guidance Centre. Through this, I am performing a good deed which Baby would have liked.

I have never tried to find out what position Baby, whose preferences were for God, patients and children, had given me in her mind. I have not tried to measure her love but only experienced it. If anybody had a feeling that Baby was trapped into my life, she had kept a note in her diary which will resolve this doubt. I have included that note at the end of this book.

I am turning back once again to my life with Baby before ending this memoir. Was she just a good wife knotted to me? Not at all. It would be right to say that she was a good friend and life-partner whom I honoured and respected. I have learnt several lessons from Baby in my life. She could mould my personality. I could learn that life is eternal love. If there is love, selfishness, malice, hatred and jealousy would never come near us. Baby has proved through her own life that the only eternal thing in the world is love and that any enemy could be defeated through patience. She also taught that by helping the poor and the sick we can come closer to God. Thus how many more lessons!

In American society, if a spouse dies the other would find another without any delay. It is not difficult to remarry or seek a companion in America. After the death of Baby, many friends have asked me why I choose to live alone. I have only this to tell them: "I want to cherish my memories."

I am praying that I meet her again, if I am blessed with another birth. But I have understood the truth that nothing is certain in this boundless and obscure world. This life-boat is sailing gently in full harmony with the realization of that truth.

"if it is not my destiny that I should not meet you in this life, let me think that I have lost such a vision forever. Let me not forget it even for a moment. Let me carry this bundle of pain in my wakefulness and in my dreams.

"Let me have the feeling of loss when my hands are full of treasures as my days pass in the busiest of the market places. Let me not forget it even for a moment. Let me carry this burden of pain in my wakefulness and dreams ... " (Gitanjali)